Alex Kelsall

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Alex 'AJ' Kelsall is normally found pre-match carrying out his ritual of smoking a cigarette whilst downing a red bull to get him pumped for the game. Never short on confidence, AJ has been a strong presence in the team from his first game and can be heard constantly shouting at his teammates. Another versatile player, AJ prefers charging around in defence but is more often found between the sticks making outrageous saves for fun. With the number of goalkeepers regularly available dwindling, AJ's performances are showing he is a serious contender to become the first choice goalkeeper for the boys in blue and white.

Joe Walker

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This gregarious goalkeeper is an invaluable part of the PAFC dressing room and loves everything about the club. The fans will not quickly forget his performance in the quarter final of the European cup to take PAFC into the semi-final but it is also common knowledge that he performs like that every week. Although a favourite with the press due to his often scandalous behaviour, PAFC are still very keen to fight off the advances of the multiple Dutch entertainment establishments in search of his services.

Matt Rickman

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Tom Hambleton

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Since collecting enough cereal tokens and winning the prize of travelling with the team to Europe, Tom has been on a permanent high. Don't let his harsh shouting from the back deceive you because Tom is actually the nicest giant we know to date. Tom loves the club so much that he refuses to follow the twitter page just in case that love gets weird. Rumour has it that his arms are so long, he has actually saved a penalty despite being stood behind the goal.

George Goodridge

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This versatile, no-nonsense player has been a welcome addition to the PAFC squad. Comfortable as a striker or a defender, nothing pleases George more than a physical battle against a worthy opponent. A strong leader and a keen tactical awareness to be able to snuff out danger are just a few of his qualities, making him an undeniable asset to the team. When he hasn't been crying over the state of his knees he's been scoring goals for fun, while also helping to reinforce the Thursday team's defence and adding balance to the team.

Jack Cuthbertson

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Jack will forever be a fan favourite after his equaliser in the semi-final of the first European cup. Many have said that a single tear of joy ran down his face as he watched his strike nestle in the bottom corner. It will not be long before Jack can't fit through the doors of Pure Gym and only then will he consider himself ready for the next tournament. As the only player with a big enough heart to consistently play for both PAFC teams, Jack loves the club more than anything, maybe even more than beer.

Jack Veness

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Shooting to fame with his 'superstar' performance during the first PAFC European cup, this unconventionally slight centre half is always a welcome addition to the PAFC squad. Jack has an uncanny ability to totally defy gravity and soar above anyone in the air whilst maintaining a perfectly straight body. Rumour has it that no-one has ever actually got past Jack although this might be because anyone that does is immediately fouled.

Jack Estcourt

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Usually found hovering around the lat pull down in Pure Gym, the festive bulk went so well for Jack that he actually completely forgot his cut in the summer. They do say 'mass is mass' but arguably Jack has taken this maxim too far and can no longer turn without breaking his feet. Nevertheless, this CAM/CB is a ruthless battering ram when fit and is a real ambassador for possession football.

James Moysey

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As the chairman, James is the foundation on which PAFC is built. Tireless ambition and meticulous organisational skills combine to make James a chairman envied by all other clubs. James is also the most successful PAFC manager to date, winning multiple titles and guiding the club to its first unbeaten season. As a player, James has been known to mistime tackles, and to quote 'break your legs', but this passion should not be confused with malice.

Jim London

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Jim has become a constant beat in the heart of the midfield for PAFC. Although he is one of the club's more experienced players, he hasn't lost a shred of that desire to win that the fans love. The deep lying midfielder will stop at nothing to break up play and has occasionally been spotted rampaging forward in search of a goal. Occasionally spotted training his boy after the game, PAFC are rubbing their hands with glee at the condition of the youth academy.

Jordan Hall

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Having recently shaved off his beard and found himself a home, Jordan has become a tireless workhorse for PAFC and a player who continues to improve in leaps and bounds. His performances in Amsterdam were outstanding and certainly made the fans sit up and take notice. Although his chant has been band in numerous away grounds (and several public places), keep your eyes peeled for the boys in blue and white leaping up to defend the goal.

Michael Munroe

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Michael is a man capable of injuring himself when he collides at walking pace with another human being, and it's therefore been a pleasure to watch him string together a few games for PAFC. Michael is yet to win a game with the boys in blue and white but the fans are quick to point to Gareth Bale's early career statistics. Admittedly the two have their differences but provided Michael can secure the car from his other half more frequently, there is little doubt that some Real Madrid interest is around the corner.

Alex Wood

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With magic in his boots and a twinkle in his eye, Alex Wood has been a stalwart for the boys in blue and white. The charismatic attacking midfielder has lit up the pitch with his passing, driving runs and leadership. Legend states that he has no fear on the pitch other than his oncoming male pattern baldness, crippling insecurity about his body, and the team not giving 110%.

Connor O'Reilly

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Dan Hickling

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David Green

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Having returned from a stint up North guarding the kingdom against the wildlings, PAFC were delighted to see that David had also managed to find the time to represent the Durham 1st XI. His four years of training and service have left David in peak physical condition and with supreme footwork capable of bamboozling defenders.

Edward Sharp

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Another athlete in the ranks of PAFC, Sharpy has always been an industrious box to box midfielder for the boys in blue and white. He is officially the only midfielder in the modern game to have a fearsome addiction to bitter ales and yet actually get fitter. Sharpy does occasionally despair at the shenanigans of his teammates (particularly when he involuntarily lends them his clothes and they come back wet) in the dressing room but a pint of bitter at the end of the day makes all that disappear.

Fraser Hall

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Known for his flash boots and million dollar smile, Fraser is a relatively late but very welcome addition to PAFC. When given the task of organising an enormous hunt for a man dressed as a chicken, Fraser delivered with flying colours and has written himself into the PAFC history books as the first man to orchestrate 'Ou est le Poulet'. On the pitch he offers an air of calm with his technical ability and years of experience although all this disappears when he finds himself in front of goal. Fraser has played over 2000 minutes for PAFC without hitting the target.

Jack Bryce-Smith

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Slowly but surely Jack is becoming a regular starter for PAFC. His technical ability and agility makes him difficult for any defence to deal with. Nicknamed the silent assassin for his quiet and composed nature, Jack has also played his part in cementing this new name on the pitch with his efficient finishing.

Jonathan Clark

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Having moved to the West Country, Jon has recently had to come to terms with the fact that his appearances for PAFC will be limited. However, there has never been a greater advert for the success of the club as the fact that John refused to let go and booked a ticket onto the Budapest European championship tour as a travelling fan.

Marcus Alexander

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Mush Miah

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Although Mush currently plays one game for every ten he misses through injury, those games are a sight to behold as he imprints his pass and move philosophy on those around him. A true advocate of the minimal touch approach, Mush seeks to pass the opposition into submission. As the only member of PAFC to successfully complete dry January 23 years in a row, it's no wonder that Mush shows such talent with a ball at his feet.

Will Hurditch

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Will may have a limited desire to pass the ball but when you can strike a ball with your left like Will can, you've got to ask why passing would even cross your mind. As the most recent player to represent the boys in blue and white, Will kicked it all off with a winning goal to ensure that he instantly won the hearts of the fans. With his blond hair and blue eyes, we can no doubt expect another lovely wag to add to the PAFC collection, maybe even one with a short moustache and some questionable political views.

Dale Ashman

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With a taste for Estcourt's sister, this golden little gem from our youth academy adamantly refuses to stop scoring. The youngest player on the team and also the only one to be given free boots by Nike, if Dale is in a good run of form there is no-one in the land that can stop him. It's an honour to claim him as a home grown player and testament to the coaches in the youth academy.

James Clark

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After his dream of being a tree surgeon was crushed by a fear of heights, James decided that leaping up for a header was as high above sea level as he was willing to go. The PAFC target man is so good at bringing the ball down and shielding it from defenders that he has been spotted holding up traffic as part of a vigorous training programme. Although his fitness was extremely questionable after his time playing in the Australian Football League, James has worked hard to push himself back into shape and lead the line.

Matt Green

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Despite controversially playing gay sticks whilst at university, since his return to football very few fans can remember the last game in which Matt Green didn't score. If the myths are to be believed, Matt Green scored 45 goals in his first year of being alive. With electric pace and a strike that could shatter a man's spine, this ruthlessly efficient forward will stop at nothing to find the net and collect his goal bonus.

Nanda McCarthy

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The director of football and manager of the second team has been an invaluable member of the club from the start. His knowledge of the World Wide Web is second to none and this website is his creation. Whilst Nanda may occasionally shy away from a challenge, not once has this man wavered when it comes to collecting fines and the club account thanks him for that. On the pitch, Nanda has a deft touch and rarely fails to finish his dinner, making him one of the club's most prolific players.

Philip Robinson

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With an unquenchable thirst for goal mouth action, there isn't a single moment in Philip's life when he isn't thinking about scoring. Rarely found in his own half, Philip is more than happy to ignore the pleas for help and requests to mark when the opposing team are in possession. Nevertheless, some clubs can go years before they find an out and out striker and Philip's goal scoring record proves that he is just that.